Are You Sabotaging Yourself?
I Was and It Wasn’t Pleasant!
If you are here, reading this blog, then the chances are you are like me – a small business owner aiming for success or a mum – aiming to juggle it all.
Most of us are trying, but until a few months back I had a warped view of how I was going to succeed in this. I’ve thought long and hard about writing this post because what I feel is difficult to put into words and I’m not sure whether it will help you or if it’s just therapy for me – we’ll see.
For some time now, I have been reading about ‘positive attitude’ and the ‘Law of the Universe’ it all made perfect sense to me; visualize what you want – action and reaction – positive and negative and so on.
I guess I wanted it to be real because it gave me a reason to keep chugging and do you know what? It is real! But I really dragged my butt through some hell to figure it all out.
My main mistake in trying to ‘love’ everyone and ‘please’ everyone is that I never really loved myself. In fact I’ve been pretty harsh on myself.
Do You Have a Berating Voice in Your Head?
How often have you tried to accomplish something and stuffed it up? It’s happened to me many times and do you know what I do? I tell myself off – the annoying inner voice pops up and says ‘That was Dumb!‘ or ‘God, you’re an idiot – what did you do that for‘
Here’s another one;
‘They think you’re stupid’
Yeah, that’s a good one. You spend time thinking about what would please others and then tell yourself they think you’re an idiot – and the harsh truth of the matter is that they actually might think you are an idiot.
Think of somebody that you really like? Someone you are drawn to? Even if it’s someone online – there is just something nice about them that makes you warm to them.
It’s called charisma and here is why they have it; They don’t spend their day thinking of ways to please others and then tell themselves they are worthless. They do stuff for others because it comes naturally to them, there is no thought process! If someone doesn’t like what they do, it doesn’t bother them because their lives are already full and they accept that they won’t be liked by everybody – in essence – they don’t have to try so hard that it hurts!
I wish I could pull back the time I spent trying to please other people, hoping they’d like what I was doing or what I stood for. I thought I wanted their approval but now I question whether I wanted their support as it might benefit me further down the line.
Don’t get me wrong, good solid relationships are built on mutual respect and the knowledge that if you help someone out – they may help you out down the line – but you’ve gotta really dig deep and question your motives. We don’t like doing that because any form of digging and self-realisation is often an ugly picture at best.
Get the Voice to Stop Yapping
To move forward in an upwardly progressive manner in anything you are trying to achieve, will mean you squashing that voice of doom. If you don’t, it will hinder you tremendously.
‘You can’t do it’
They won’t like you’
‘That was so dumb’
‘What did you say that for?’
‘it’s never going to work’
Does any of that sound familiar? Encouragement yields success – you wouldn’t say any of those things to a child, or they would become repressed. they would slowly sink inside themselves and recoil from life. They’d never accomplish their dreams, hopes or aspirations.
When you speak to a child you use words of encouragement;
‘You can do it’
‘They’ll think you’re great’
‘That’s brilliant’
‘You are fantastic’
‘Go for it’
So why do we feel ourselves unworthy of the same encouragement?
Society dictates various rules and as adults we all take notice and nod in the right places. If the majority likes something we jump on board and furiously agree – but do we always? Are we frightened to speak up in case ‘they’ think we are fools?
If there is something that I have learnt – it’s to be yourself. If you want to be successful in business, you need to work like a bloody horse or else it won’t happen – but whatever you do – don’t constantly seek the approval of others. You won’t always get it and you will be taking two steps back for every one step forward.
Learn to love you!
You ARE worth it
You ARE great
You’re NOT stupid
You CAN do it
Because once you learn to love yourself and accept that you can’t please everyone and that not everyone is going to like you, the sooner you will be able to move on and get to where you wanna go.
And here’s the thing; the real gem if you like…. once you accept you for you, everyone else will too. You won’t have to try to please people anymore as you will be focused on what matters. You will naturally help people along the way and they will naturally warm to you, you will have charisma!
My life has changed dramatically in so many ways since I truly grasped this concept. I care if someone doesn’t like me, but not enough to change what I am doing – I’ve worked too hard and it’s too important.
I’m impacting on peoples lives and helping them to succeed in ways that I never could imagine – I’m finally realising my goals and achieving them.
I don’t need someone else’s approval to make my life successful, I don’t need a pat on the back or to be told ‘Well Done’ every five minutes, although of course it is lovely when it does happen.
When I think about the time I wasted on wondering why someone didn’t like me because I never received an acknowledgement in a forum or a reply to an email. It’s infuriating to think about now!
The fact is, we’re all fairly insignificant, so we need to love and encourage ourselves because only then can we truly go on to achieve great things.
And YOU WILL.
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About Nikki Backshall
A single mum to three great girls, Nikki runs three online businesses and is a recognised Social Media Expert and Search Engine Optimisation trainer within the Mumpreneur community.
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Thanks for this positive article to help us Mums keep going when we have temporarily lost our mojo! There have been times when I have purposely ‘set’ my brain to ‘not care’ when I hear a negative comment, or more more often ‘delete’. If I had listened to much of the advice and comments I received at the beginning I would not have got very far at all. Best thought when negativity holds me back… “Life is too short!”
Ali´s last blog ..My child has been exposed to BPA in baby bottles. What can I do?
Funny you should say that ali, I’ve just picked up a book to read that is called ‘Life is Too F***ing Short’ by Janet Street Porter – I think you might enjoy it too, will let you know what it is like when I’ve finished it.
I’m sure I have said this before but just for the record I’ll say it again. When I read Niiki’s blogs/posts it’s like she has crawled inside my mind. She says the things I’m only thinking. Thinking because I am in that place of self saborage. But I’m working on my downfalls, thorugh inspiraltional posts like this. So from the bottom of my heart I owe alot to a women I’ve never even met. Thank You.
Thanks for the comment Ann – yes, you’ve said that on previous articles and content I’ve written. I guess sometimes it takes someone else to formulate the words and feelings inside us. I have many blogs that i visit who help me to get some clarification on my life – and it’s great to ‘pass the love’ on
It’s great to be reminded to celebrate who we are rather than criticize ourselves for ‘not matching up’. It takes practice though, practice, practice, practice. Our inner saboteur is always waiting for an opportunity to stop us and make us think twice about a perceived ‘risk’. Our saboteur is very young you see, maybe only a few years old. What has happened more often than not, is that as a result of a past experience, it made some decisions so that ‘that’ wouldn’t happen again, and consequently adopted some ‘limiting beliefs’. It (our inner child) didn’t really have the resources to be powerful then but it definitely can have power over us now! Notice when your inner child is trying to run the show! All it wants to do is keep you safe, avoiding anything that might make you look stupid or get hurt!
It’s only as an adult, when we challenge these beliefs and work with them so that we can let them go and adopt some new ones, beliefs that are much more inspiring and enlivening.
So, when your saboteur pops up, say thank you and make a new choice, one that supports your growth and happiness!
Julie Mann Habitfixer
Julie Mann´s last blog ..Dealing with stress…..
Thanks for your comment Julie – interesting points!
I agree about the ‘inner voice’ trying to keep us safe and in some cases we need to listen to our inner voice for that reason – but I’m not convinced my inner voice is only a few years old, I think mine has been nagging at me for years….
I think you can ‘train’ yourself almost to the point that the ‘voice’ only appears at the very times it is needed (times of danger etc) and then pretty much supress it when it is preventing you from moving forward in your life. That is certainly something that intrigues me and what I am working on right now.
Thanks again for your comment,
Nikki
Hi Nikki
I agree with you. When I said a few years old I didn’t mean recent i meant very young e.g. 5 years old.
Yes you can train it. In my experience once you start spotting that ‘inner critic/saboteur/inner child’ whatever you want to call it, you’ll find it’s everywhere and it impacts all areas, sometimes in little ways that are hardly visible to the naked eye…..
I think our journey is working with it for a lifetime, so we can let ourselves off the hook for not being ‘perfect’ (whatever that means!)
Have a lovely weekend.
Best wishes
Julie Mann
Julie Mann´s last blog ..Dealing with stress…..
Oh Julie, I am so sorry – I am having one of those ‘doh!’ moments now! I completely read that wrong and was pondering why that inner voice was only with me for a few years when you never meant that at all
thank you for clarifying – and thank goodness its the weekend, I can see I need the rest
Have a good wkend too,
Nikki
what a brilliant article.
Thanks Lyn, I appreciate your comment
mmmmm…. another one who thinks you have read my mind… thanks… I think I need to set some teeny weeny goals so that I can praise myself rather than my never ending lists
Elaine´s last blog ..Happy St Patrick’s Day
Yes – very true – huge lists can be really detrimental – am just about to put another post on that goes into multi-tasking!
Nikki
Hi,
I’m a newbie. I think your post is brilliant and captures perfectly the ‘head’ stuff that I struggle with every day. I find it helps to remind myself that when I’ve really gone for things in the past, success has often followed – but it’s so easy to forget that and have a ‘what’s the point?’ or ‘what if they don’t like this?’ attitude – which, of course, has got me absolutely nowhere – every time!
It’s easy to think I’m the only one who feels this way, so thank you.
Hi Lucy,
Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment – and I agree, it’s great to know that you’re not alone out there and there are many of us mumpreneurs experiencing very similar feelings,
Nikki